Here you will find miscellaneous spoken essays and features from past and present. I hope you will find them amusing. Unless, of course, they weren’t intended to be. Should you have hearing like mine, click on the make it louder bars. More pages in Table of Contents at lower right.

Let’s start with one of my best-remembered happenings on the Steve Dahl Show. I think it was around Christmas. Studs Terkel and Roger Ebert came into the studio.

Bartletts … Saying it again since 1855.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

ClaudineWe could have been so happy together. I blame Andy.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

The Pharmacology of Transformers And howzabout this one wherein I compare the lexicon of prescription medication to the language of Autobots and Decepticons.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Grandma’s Journal … What I read in Grandma’s diary.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

I Am 5 Pounds Heavier and You’re Welcome … Gaining weight to save the world.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

The Man Who Studied Words … The death of the World’s foremost expert in the history of the word “Jerk.”

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Other People … I decline to accept that it’s a small world after all.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Those Brainy Neanderthals …  (one of a series) Meat is brain food.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

A 3-Minute Piece is the Last Refuge of a Short Attention Span … Last refuge quotations.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

When Anvils Crushing Heads Was Funny … Violence in cartoons, just the way I like it.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Ice Picks … You heard me. Ice picks.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Car Lot Memories … Contemplating buying a new car.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Let’s Play Cowboys and Japanese … There are those who think some Native Americans were really Japanese Americans.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Maggots … A study of maggot infestation and worm worship, and a reference to Mothra.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

WWJD … What would Jesus drink?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Lima Beings … Lima beans have feelings.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Weebles … Wobble but they don’t fall down.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Statistics Show … That statisticians are full of processed baloney.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Most Depressing Songs … Weepy lyrics.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Lava Love … The inventor of the Lava Lamp was certifiable.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Chimpanzee Comics … Some chimps have a better sense of humor than Jane Goodall.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Zamboangan Monkey Tales … By which I mean tales of monkey tails.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Talk Like a Sailor … Origin of nautical terms.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

The Cross-Dressingest Generation … Why the WWII generation thought men dressing like women was so gol-danged funny.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Dave Hates Snakes … I will kill them in the lane, I will kill them in a plane.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Biggest Bang for the Buck … The guy who invented the most powerful non-nuke explosive.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Glow-In-The-Dark Bunnies … Scientists do stuff just because they can.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

The History of Mayonaise … An historical account of a celebrated continental condiment.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

And Called It Macaroni … What the Yankee Doodle does that mean?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Tongue Twisters … Some of the more dangerous of the species.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Animal Dreams … What goes on in a sleeping bird’s bird brain.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

The Funeral Business is a Little Dead … Eternity becomes more affordable.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

It’s Official. Laughter IS Medicine … Laughing strengthens immune system.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Origami … This word is a euphemism for…well…it will become clear around about the 5th time I repeat it.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Baltimore Cops name a suspect in the murder of the Emperor Claudius … And name the murder weapon.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Historical Markers … The more interesting spots in the Buckeye State.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Lost in Translation … Why I experienced a need to know how to say “The bathing suit dryer is on fire,” in Spanish.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

The Polite Thing To Do Is different depending where you are.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Wrecking Emily Dickinson … Dave waxes poetical. Or maybe he wanes poetical.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Hold Your Horses and Cool Your Jets … And other examples of “have patience” aphorisms.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Dry Ice … Fun with frozen carbon dioxide.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Song of the South … State songs continue to fight the uncivil war.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Psychiatrists Diagnose Sampson … And declare the Biblical Strongman anti-social.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.